Metal 4 Africa Winterfest 2011
If you read through this entire article, you will in fact be rewarded with some hot tit photography...
See all the pics at Alternative Eye’s photostream
- Imperium Of Man
- Cold Hand Chemistry
- Wolven Decorum
The Alteye team, still chipper and with a low blood-alcohol ratio
We were on time for a change, 2pm sharp at St Peters in Obz. There stood our bus-host Jonno, giving us our arm-stamps. Ainz had roped us into going 3 ways on a bottle of vodka, and had brought another of southern comfort, which we were well into by the time the bus left.
We were in for a big party, this was for certain. We had no idea yet of the depths of depravity we would slither into during the night, but there was a distinct buzz of excitement around us. Well, either that or the drag of weed I had was now kicking in.
This guy just wishes you were a big ’ol cream éclair right now
During the ride, we managed to achieve the following:
- Came up with the ingenious idea of bear-fishing. Basically you toss javelins at bears, and the javelin is attached to a metal chain, and you reel the bears in. Ainz suggested the addition of wearing pompous 17th century Frilly English clothing while doing this.
Courtesy of GeeJo at Wiki Commons
- Drew 10-second portraits of various bus-goers and sold it to them for R1.00. For those of you new to this patented Alteye service, one of us basically draws the best possible portrait of you while drunk, within 10 seconds, and it’s yours for R1.00. Since we had to give the portraits to the various customers, we unfortunately have none to post up here.
- Had fun despite the lack of music and smoking on the bus.
- Invented a new theoretical genre of doom-thrash metal, henceforth known as ’Drash’.
- Ant absconded with the buss’s dedicated Sambucca bottle that Jonno had brought especially to hand out shots throughout the trip. He worked out that if he took a swig at the front of the bus, then passed it on down the rows backwards, it would end up back in his possession by the time he sat back down. It did, and we all had large gulps.
This shot from Jonno and a pre-puke beer funnel got Ant’s drink-binge nicely started
- Poured beer onto the head of the guy sitting next to me, and licked him in his ear-hole, in a purely homo erotic fashion.
- Turned our Pick n Pay beer-concealing bag into a fashion wonder-piece
- Ant took a beer funnel from Jonno up front of the bus, as we stopped by the starlight diner. He immediately ran outside for a piss, and puked a little beer on his air-exposed cock.
Other highlights of the trip
- Jonno very excitedly tried to initiate a marie-biscuit eating contest. It didn’t go down well with the bus folk. One guy casually asked if we could just eat the biscuits and fuck the contest. With a deep sigh, Jonno simply grabbed the beer funnel.
- There was a tennis ball flying everywhere on the bus after the stop at the Starlight Diner
It’s this kind of mad glint in the eye that makes me shit myself
We arrived at the door very, very drunk. The alcoholic amnesia had already begun to take hold. Nothing good could have possible transpired from here on out.
The night quickly became an inebriated super-circuit of the bar, bands and backstage, with no chronology or timeline - a "Tarantinoesque" fragmented mess.
The turnout was plentiful: a mix of many old familiars and gormless youngsters.
Here are some key points of interest
- Ant and I had a real wrestling match on the grass. I had genuine neck injury’s afterwards and everything!
This vocalist drank some bad punch and discoloured a little
- Our very own Pillsbury Doughboy from a previous Klein Libertas gig was present, and taking lots of really fantastically brilliant photos (especially the ones of us hehe). No seriously, this dude has talent - check out his master photographic works on Facepoes if you can - nicely done Chris!
- Nobody was selling any hot dogs (sobering up material), so the night was basically a one-way ticket to inebriation hell.
- There was a beer bong going around. It was very creatively constructed and closely resembled a very elaborate sexual device.
- Ainz & Ant convinced Lucretia to suck my pert little succulent nipple. Hopefully I tasted appetising.
Random quotes, scribbled down amidst the heat of action
- Imperium of Man, during an incoherent interview, uttered some gobbledgook about a camera guy being in the band, something about "real ninjas don’t rap", also, some crap about the band living in Kenilworth, but their lease is expired. Also some garbage about them visiting the bum frequently, wanting a strap-on in his bum, wanting the strap on to be large. Sorry if I got this terribly wrong dudes, please correct me in the comments below.
- "I simply love money" - Some guy named Woute who was sitting in the lounge area browsing a real estate newsletter.
Yes, our bums are indeed currently occupied by large strap-ons
- "We’re all dead. What if God was a narcotic, Jesus just a fucked up hippie with delusions of grandeur and a cross fetish, and the Holy Ghost just smoke rising up from a joint. Where would that leave us? We are God (only knows). & he/she has just been popped." - This, once upon a time, was written on the wall by some nameless fucker, in some club in Joberg somewhere (possibly called Alice Jay - I can’t tell from my notes as they look like a work of Salvador Dali). I was informed about this interesting quotation by a man that I passed in the parking lot. I was lying down behind a car and he came to piss in the bush next to me. Sorry dude I didn’t catch your name.
When the devil wants to give you a blowies, he’s gonna give you a blowies
Notes on the bands
- Cold hand chemistry arrived on stage & had a big moment. They seriously rock balls. They had skulls on their chest & a female vocalist (Chantel). Ainz & Ant even felt compelled enough to start a mosh, which they did. Chantel was actually quite excellent & very passionate.
- The next band screamed a lot. They played something I can only term as "pretty metal". I think this was the band after Cold Hand Chemistry, and are called Balyios if the gig line up is and my memory (unlikely) are accurate. They said something about "all guns full of ammo".
- There was one last band I had the luxury of remembering (in-tact memories of that night are very rare). I was back inside. There were many "Jerry Cantrells from Alice in Chains" walking about - they all loved this band, and were saying ’not bad’. I studied the lead vocalist on the stage, trying to figure out what the hell band it is. He is wearing an Ibanez top & a cap. He says - "this is a song about who we are: we are ING!!!". It’s fucking Brian from ING! I’ve shared a stage with these dudes and here I am scratching my head, wondering who I am looking at! Oh well, they were fucking awesome anyway. My personal favourite brand of metal.
The young Buddha often deeply contemplated quitting the band and leaving mom’s house to find true enlightenment
And here, in conclusion, as promised, is some hot tit photography